Things I never thought I’d have to say!

So, since having children, I have said some things that I never thought I would ever have to say.

This a short and no means comprehensive list.

  • Don’t roll that sausage around the floor in your socks.
  • You don’t ever put your sandwich on the toilet seat.
  • The vet may take the dog’s temperature like that but we don’t EVER take each other’s temperatures in the same way, especially not with your giant toy thermometer, step away from your brother now please.
  • You really shouldn’t eat on the toilet while pooing.
  • Don’t put your winky in that bottle, it might get stuck.
  • Are you sure that you want to eat that garlic bread with your banana and custard? Really?
  • Are we going to spend every minute of this walk looking at sheep poo?
  • If it’s been in the bath, you can’t eat it anymore.
  • I’m ever so sorry, I think my son may have given your daughter a lesson in boy’s anatomy while she was here. (Just in case this is misconstrued in any way, my 3 yo son spent the entirety of my daughters’ play date with a friend who is not blessed,(!!), with a little brother, running round naked and shouting about having a winky. Whilst this is pretty standard practise in our house these days, I suddenly realised how it may sound when recounted at bedtime to a mum who doesn’t have a son!) 
  • I don’t care if so and so’s mum lets them.
  • We don’t stand in the fruit bowl.
  • Did you just eat that lip balm? All of it?
  • It is a tiny cut, there is no way on this earth I’m phoning you an ambulance.
  • Don’t use your toothbrush to brush the dog!!
  • It would be nice if we could all wear pants at mealtimes. (Not meaning pants in the American sense, I’m talking about undercrackers, and no, not mine and the hubsters’!)
  • Why is the door what? What do you mean, ‘just why is the door?’ that isn’t a proper question. (There are so many variations of this and it’s all far too existential for 8.30am on the school run!)
  • Ok, I know I explained to you what a suppository was while we were in the chemist, (don’t ask!!!), but can you please stop going on about it and stop telling your brother with sound effects. Please!
  • We never never eat things that we find in the rug!! Why?! Are you seriously asking me that??

I can’t believe that all of these things have come out of my mouth, and what’s more, that I have been in genuine situations where I have had to use them!!! 😀 I would LOVE to hear some of yours!! Do share. 🙂

I can't even imagine the things I said on this solo flight with them both. Whatever they were, I think they were said through very gritted teeth from the looks of my face!!!

I can’t even imagine the things I said on this solo flight with them both last summer. Whatever they were, I think they were said through very gritted teeth from the looks of my face!!!

 

 

 

65 Comments

  1. Hahaha brilliant! I only have a 14month old girl so I’ve never said quite a few of these and potentially never will… A boy sounds SO different! So many scenarios I never would’ve imagined! #fartglitter

    • Oh just you wait! Half of that was to my daughter!! But yes, boys are very very different. I wrote about it recently!! They can both be just as gross though. 🙂

  2. Haha! Great post! I say unusual stuff like that all day long to my 4. The other day my 9 month old was playing in the kitchen bin while I was washing up. I threw a tea towel over his back so I could pick him up with wet hads, and sat him on the living room floor. I dropped the tea towel in his lap and said “don’t play in the bin, play with this tea towel instead”. Because that’s perfectly normal!

  3. Haha, most of these made me laugh out loud. I have recently had to explain to my 2 and a half year old that I don’t have a willy, now he asks everyone if they have a willy..ahh embarrassing. I’m always having to say ‘leave the toilet alone’ too. What is it with boys when it comes to toilets and winkys?!xx

    • I have NO idea!! It’s an obsession that lasts them well into adulthood as far as I can gather! (Well, maybe not the toilet so much & deff not cleaning it! )

  4. Ha ha ha how big is your fruit bowl?
    Alex doesn’t understand why he can’t eat and poop at the same time either lol

    • It’s a gorgeous glass bowl that got commandeered as a fruit bowl, it’s pretty wide & flat so room for at least one toddler foot! While it is on the table too!! Maybe because poo is fun & fascinating to them & not gross yet?! 😀

  5. Haha these really made me laugh out loud! I’ve said a few very similar ones too. My threenager has just discovered that she likes pointing at people and laughing which I had to explain isn’t polite so now she likes to point at them whilst shouting “knicker pants” at the top of her voice! That’s the last time I try to tell her what to do! #fartglitter

  6. I have a 20 month old boy and so far the only funny thing I’ve had to say is “fine wipe your willy all over the sofa” he was wriggling away to stop me putting a clean nappy on #bigpinklink

  7. oh this is too funny – the pants at mealtimes really made me giggle. thank goodness children have parents – imagine the world if they grew up without us! loving the new linky! very in awe of you! #bigpinklink

  8. Oh that’s a great list! The other day I found myself saying ‘no don’t put your hands in your nappy, no don’t put you fingers up there’ referring to her little girls bits…we were out and about and she was led in the pushchair, legs akimbo. I’m cringing as I write this and about to go bury my head in the sand #bigpinklink

  9. I’m having trouble commenting..it keeps saying I have commented but my comment isn’t showing. I will check back again in a bit xx

  10. The phrase really should be, “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings…. And mothers!”

  11. The phrase really should be, “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings… And mothers!”

  12. ”Did you just eat that lip balm? All of it?” I get it, some of them smell soooooo good!

  13. “Why is the door?” – ha ha – I love that. I sometimes struggle to answer the real questions like ‘why is Neptune one of the ice giant planets?’ but questions like ‘why is autumn?’ totally stump me! Thanks for a great read x #bigpinklink

  14. I have two boys so I feel your pain! I can’t even begin to recall some of the things I’ve said but I do remember saying to Mr N ‘I can’t believe I’ve just said that’.

  15. I said the lip balm one!! I’m amazed at some of the words that come out of mouth, especially since having a boy. I never thought I would have to explain to a 3 year old girl what boys bits were, every single day!! Great post and thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  16. Haha too funny! With 6 children we have had some doozies but I love remembering when my I had to tell my son ‘no we don’t need an ark and we aren’t all going to drown – it’s only a radiator leak’

  17. oh my goodness, can totally relate to this! so many things I never thought i’d have to say. The worst one whilst at the bech chatting to my firend and my 3 yo was busy pushing sand in the direction of her private bits ”don’t put sand up your vagina baby”! #bigpinklink

  18. I can’t stop laughing : Did you just eat that lip balm? All of it?
    Absolutely brilliant post. My little one is only 10 weeks old but I clearly have a lot to look forward to 🙂 xx #bigpinklink

  19. Brilliant! It’s crazy the places parenthood takes us eh?!
    Thanks for hosting the #bigpinklink!

  20. hehe so funny, oh what do kids do to us! Oh boys do love to brag about their privates don’t they lol #bigpinklink

  21. Haha! Brilliant. Here’s one “no girls aren’t boys whos willys have fallen off. Girls and boys just have different bits” and also, “no I won’t get pregnant if YOU give me a special cuddle”…!!!
    #bigpinklink

  22. I read the comment about the thermometer and started giggling. As I’m at work – on my lunch break! – I lied about what what was funny. I think that might have been an explanation too far!

  23. Bwahahaha…Too funny!!! I have boys who like to talk about you know what as well! And yes, I didn’t realise this until too late! #bigpinklink

  24. Eek, I’m not looking forward to this stage! Very funny as an anecdote, I’m being less so at the time…! #bigpinklink

  25. My little boy can’t talk very much yet, so that gives me time to prepare myself for the inevitable endless fart and willy jokes! Personal favourite was ‘Did you just eat that lip balm?’ – I’ve lost so many lipsticks to my boy’s investigating fingers. One I thought I’d never utter was said last night to my husband at bathtime – “It’s best if you just scoop it out with loo roll once the plug’s been pulled and the water’s gone…” Joy! (Just to be clear, the culprit was my son!)

  26. Hehe, this cracked me up! I don’t think I’d have even believed half the things that come out of my mouth now before I had a baby x #bigpinklink

  27. LOL!!!!! Yes, with 2 boys, I identifiedx2 with the boy related ones!! My most recent one was ‘put mummy’s knickers back in the wash basket, and get them out of your brothers face…’ !!!!! It all makes great blog material! Brilliant post, co-hostess with the mostest!!! (autocorrect changed that to ‘moistest’ which would’ve been totally embarrassing!! And also made me be a bit sick in my mouth because I HATE that word!!)

  28. Oh my, that is hilarious! I don’t have anything to share even nearly as funny as those….maybe because I have little girls! #bigpinklink

  29. My kids are 9 and 14 and I’m still using “because I said so” to my 9 year old. LOL! I’ve also caught him eating my lip balm and I couldn’t believe he did it. He was 3 at the time. Popping over from #thebigpinklinky

  30. Haha! Great list. My favourites I have had to say so far are “Please don’t sieve your sister” and “There’s part of a gruffalo head in the change bag if you’re a good boy” (it was chocolate). #bigpinklink

  31. This made for a great chuckle!
    Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  32. I find myself repeating myself a lot. I’d actually have to make a conscious effort to write down the funny things that are actually said and done in this house. Thanks for hostessing. I linked up as soon as I woke but I think I’m still last to the party. Hope to see you for #momsterslink linky sometime.

    • I’d love to! Add me to the list. You can dm me a link for this & I can add it for you if you’d like in future. 🙂 thanks for linking up.

  33. Haha!! I have an almost identical post sitting in my drafts, I wasn’t sure whether to publish it or not, but this has made me laugh so much I just might!! I love “Why is the door?” Thanks for giving me a chuckle and hosting the #bigpinklink 🙂

  34. Haha brilliant. I often say something to my kids and then stand stunned by what I’ve just had to say to them.

    Garlic bread and custard reminds me of the fish fingers and custard my eldest tried. He was in a weird food combo phase so I just thought “oh well, it’s good enough for Doctor Who” and left him to it!

    #bigpinklink

  35. So funny and I can totally relate! so many things we never thought and imagine that we would say now that we have kids… My daughter likes picking her nose and tells us that she have eaten her snot too, lol The fun of parenthood, isn’t it?! By the way, Thanks for hosting and good luck! #bigpinklink

  36. Hilarious! I drafted one just like this today after finding myself telling one of my girls, “Please don’t hit your brother in the willy with Frozen Fever Elsa!!”. Kids hey? It’s all good fun…. #bigpinklink

  37. Many of the comments I never thought I wpuld utter to my boys involved the words ‘dont” and ‘willy’. Im sure I dont need to expand further #bigpinklink

  38. hahaha these are some crackers and some serious naked, winky love!! Thank for hosting xx

  39. Amazing. I’ve said some similar things I never thought I’d say as well. Toddlers-a never ending source of hilarity! #bigpinklink

  40. This post is one of the funniest things I have read in a while! It all rings sooooo true – and the images it gives me are vivid and all too familiar!
    x Alice
    #fartglitter

  41. I’ve had to tell people off for eating things they’ve found in the rug on a umber of occasions. My most disturbing utterance has got to be “stop! You shouldn’t kiss your brothers winkle” just wrong.

  42. Reading this had me in laughing out loud, rolling a sausage around in a sock and eating lip balm sounds like something my toddler would do! #bigpinklink x

  43. Haha- brilliant. ‘Don’t touch your penis when it’s poopy’ is a common one at the moment.

    #fartglitter

  44. Hahahaha!!! I am still laughing at the first line of this post!
    A brilliant, lighthearted read which has also got me thinking about some of the bizarre things I find myself saying. I think the latest ones in our house seem to involve Sooty, Sweep, Soo and their busy toilet activity: “Sweep has done enough poo poos for today darling, it’s bed-time”…

  45. Haha this is great! Being a mum of boys hey, I’ve heard myself say some of these many time. #bigpinklink xx

  46. My sons twin sister (2) recently announced “I don’t have a wee wee tail like B!” #bigpinklink

  47. Oh this is hilarious! My little boy is only 12 weeks old so I definitely have all of this to come. Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink.

  48. This really made me laugh! Especially ‘why is the door’ kids are so so odd. My son asks ‘what’s that’ all the time and when i ask what he means, he doesn’t point at anything he just says ‘that’. But what’s what??

  49. Love these. I keep meaning to order write a post about funny things my 8 year old says… So funny.

    Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink

  50. Ha ha this is so funny! I’ve got a lot of this to come but with a daughter. A lot of my current sayings are “Please don’t eat your bib”, and “You will not find milk in your hand” (when she’s feeding). Thank you for hosting a new linky, it’s great. Claire x

  51. Hahaha this list is great! I have to stop and ask myself about 10x a day if I really did just have to say that, one from today was ‘don’t run around with that garlic bread from the floor’. xx #bigpinklink

  52. I still have all this ahead of me, with one 15 month old (who’s already pretty fascinated with what’s between his legs, though he can’t really see it for his round belly!). ‘Don’t put it in the bottle, it might get stuck’ is pretty hilarious and has surely been said in more homes than you know, haha!

  53. Fabulous! I’ve said many of these myself – including not eating something that’s been in the bath lol! And my son is forever having dinner with no pants on *sigh*

    One of mine is “Did you get any wee on your cake?” #pottytrainingatfamilyparty

    Thanks for sharing! x #bigpinklink

  54. Ha ha the “why is the door?” one made me really laugh – we have sooo many questions like this every day which don’t make grammatical sense let alone anything else! Thanks for sharing and for hosting #bigpinklink

  55. I think I need to start making a note of the things I say, as I am pretty sure we’ve had a fair few moments like this!!! #bigpinklink

  56. Ha ha these are brilliant! I am sure I have some to add to this but I can’t remember any right now. Becky #bigpinklink

  57. Fantastic post Hun. Given me a very good laugh! I think one of the worst things I have said is ‘shush that IS a man its rude to call him a lady!’ 😉 #bigpinklink

    • Hahahaha!!! Oh brilliant!!! The ones where they loudly point out people’s quirks are the absolute worst aren’t they?!

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