Are you guilty of faking it online?
I had an interesting chat with another Mum this week as we were swept along on the tidal wave of parents, eager to escape the school gates as quickly as humanly possible. She told me that she loves my blog because I am ‘real’ and tell it like it is.
For me that was such a wonderful thing to hear, because that was exactly why I started my blog and why I try my best to be honest in my posts and on my photo captions on instagram and facebook. But it hasn’t always been this way, and I too am guilty of filtering my life, and still do it now to some extent. We talked about facebook and how seeing everyone’s perfect family photos all the time can be detrimental to someone who isn’t enjoying parenthood at that particular moment and I feel that it is important to tell you that you are not getting the whole picture.
I wouldn’t let him eat all of my danish after he’d finished his gingerbread rocket. I only allowed him half. Evil!
I feel like recently I have been writing less of the posts where I talk about how tough motherhood is because, honestly, it is getting easier. When I think back to those early days where I would wake in a pool of milk, unsure whether it was morning, 5 am or I’d been having an afternoon nap and it was really still day, they seem a very long while ago now. It still has it challenges of course, our days are never 100% rosy but overall, things are much easier and I think that is obvious if you follow me on social media.
Yes I love my children fiercely, I adore them, I think they are gorgeous and I would genuinely put myself into any kind of harm’s way to protect them, all that goes without saying really….but my word sometimes I don’t want to be in the same room as them. Or even the same house!
But equally I don’t want to be totally ‘woe is me, I hate my kids’ all the time, because for a start I don’t. Some days I’m not very keen on them admittedly. 😀 And every so often I need a complete break from them so I can have a ‘thank goodness they’ve gone!’ moment, followed not long after by, ‘gosh it’s quiet without them, I think I miss them!’ moment. And that is real life. Some days are a breeze and we all get along and I cook something from scratch and they help and there are lots of smiles and we might happily do craft with no one having a tantrum. And on others we are all snappy with each other, I have deadline stress, the house is a tip, no-one has clean socks and dinner is a cobbled together afterthought from the local shop that everyone will moan about. And that is real life too!
There is nothing quite like those early years though. I had my son when my daughter was not quite two. It started with the exhaustion of pregnancy, when by 4pm I was done for. It was as much as I could do to switch on cbeebies for her and ding a microwave meal before collapsing in a heap. I couldn’t bend down, the washing was piled up and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I was still positive at that point! 😀 Mum guilt beat me vigorously but I was doing ok!
When my son was born though, two things happened. The first was that my daughter didn’t take to him. She was insanely jealous and refused to have anything to do with me unless I was occupied with the baby, which is when she wanted my attention the most. I remember feeling so torn, I wanted to spend time with this new human I’d made (who, despite all my fears to the contrary, I loved insanely) and so resented her occasionally. Which would follow straight after with enormous guilt that I would rather spend time with my adorable newborn then my, quite frankly prickly and angry first born. But then the pangs of pain when she chose Daddy over me every single time, meaning I was sidelined with the baby for every cuddle, every kiss, every smile, oh they were awful too!
Look at this first smile photo taken from my facebook at around this time, you would literally never guess that he cried ALL THE TIME!!!
The second thing that happened, was that said baby did not stop crying. You could not put him down. In desperation after several weeks of what felt like torture, listening to him screaming, we forked out nearly £100 for a swinging seat. Which ate batteries like I eat chocolate and only worked to stop the crying about 30% of the time! I also had the dog to think about, who needed walking every day and I ended up resenting everyone! Including my husband who was working on our house at the time and so was regularly doing 6am – 8pm days and working weekends too.
It was a bad time for me and I hit rock bottom, but if I look back over my facebook from that time, you wouldn’t know. Pictures of first smiles and trips out, meals in the garden and happy families. And actually, that’s ok, I am happy with that, it is nice to look back at the good stuff. But it’s not an accurate reflection of how things really were for me.
I know how it really was but I don’t have to be reminded of it constantly which is a relief, and hopefully one day I will forget totally, and just go by the photos. It is also a relief for me to know, that even though I remember things as being dark and even only have hazy recollections of some bits, (probably the extreme sleep deprivation!), it actually wasn’t all doom and gloom, I wasn’t the worst mother in the world, there are pictures of the kids crafting even! 😀 (How I measure myself in motherhood by the way!)
But if I think of it from someone who was also a new mother at the same time as me, looking at my photos and statuses, I can imagine that it looked as if we were coping beautifully, and it’s not an honest reflection. I know that some people are even driven to leave facebook, unable to deal with the onslaught of happy family photos, tidy houses and angelically behaved children when they are barely holding it together. If this is you, you need to remember that this is an edited version of their reality.
This photo says: ‘Happy campers! Look how cute we are!’ And not: ‘We were too hot within minutes and then resorted to moaning, wriggling, fighting and complaining for the next hour!’ 😉
If you are struggling, and finding it tough, and you look at someone else’s smiley happy online life, please don’t think that you’re getting the whole picture. The baby might look perfect in a pristine outfit, but behind the camera is maybe a mother in food, snot and goodness knows what else smeared pjs, the house may be an utter tip apart from the one corner that she is photographing in, she might be depressed and trying desperately to paint the’perfect picture’, or maybe she had her Mum round to help clean and dress the baby while she relaxed in the bath and that really was a perfect day for them. You never know anyone else’s story but it’s easy to imagine you do when you are feeling low and trawling through everyone’s wonderful life feeds while you are up feeding the baby for the 5th time in one night.
It’s absolutely normal to find some days tough. To cry, to want to be anywhere else in that moment, to hate everyone but particularly your partner who gets to escape this nightmare for hours a day at work. Just don’t be too scared to say to another Mum, ‘gosh this is hard’, because chances are, she is feeling exactly the same. Despite how perfect her life may look on facebook! I have made some of my closest friends by opening up and saying ‘Wow, this is hard!’ and having them respond with a ‘yeah, I know, want a biscuit?’. So don’t be afraid to reach out, chances are, they are feeling exactly the same, even if their online life says everything is perfect and they use hashtag soblessed on every photo! 😉
Saying you’re having a rubbish day does not mean you are a bad parent or that you don’t love your child. It’s saying that you’re human and you’ll be amazed at how many people will be relieved at your honesty.
If these feelings start taking over however, and more days are dark then light, tell someone, ask for help, speak out. You won’t get any judgement, believe me, and it will be the first step on your journey to a brighter future.
There are some amazing places you can turn to for support;
Hey Louise, What a great post, and so welcoming to read. I’m certain many caregivers will agree wholeheartedly, actually applaud you. Honesty and authenticity is what our children need to learn from us, as well as the gazillion other things! Bravo!
I love it. Not everything about children is great and it’s nice when people acknowledge it. It definitely ebbs and flows. #bigpinklink
This is an interesting topic. I dont think I give an unitentionally filtered version of my life on twitter or my blog (I eat, sleep, crochet and tweet, its really not exciting) however I had an interesting conversation with someone online a few weeks ago that made me think that I come across far differently than I see myself in my head. She thought I was cool for always being myself and not caring what others think. Now I am always myself, but I worry and fret about what everyone thinks……
#bigpinklink
Great post. I do occasionally think, god, I am struggling and everyone else seems to have it together. Deep down I know they don’t though. We all need to remember social media isn’t real life! #bigpinklink
I can see how things do ease with time, parenting gets slightly less hard in some ways as more challenges appear. I’m less of the mind of people are faking and more this is simply a ‘snippet’. It is impossible to share everything with anyone, even our nearest and dearest. That said what we choose to share can be deceptive to an outsider, but perhaps that says more about their insecurities. I think you are fair to share the nicer side of the early days. These little ‘unreflective’ snippets are nice to look back on and probably gave you hope at the time that it isn’t all bad. How could it be when you got these beautiful pictures? Of course reminding everyone that perception is simply that and not full reality goes a long way to helping anyone in a bad way at the time. I don’t believe anyone has all of their s**t together!
#BigPinkLink
Fantastic post! We know a lot of people who left Facebook because they we’re tired at looking at the perfect feed. Its hard when there are so many pristine photos on social media, as the majority of people just want to share the good times and be reminded of that x #BigPinkLink
Great post. I see so many faking it online, I just know they are. I get why they’re doing it but it does disappoint me slightly. I always try to keep it as real as I can but I’m sure there are times others think I’m faking it a bit! Do filters count?! #bigpinklink
Great Post Louise.
I always try and be honest on my Facebook, Insta and blog. But yes, I have parts of my house that are photographable, lol. I will take pics of the dining/play room. That’s an acceptable mess, the kitchen not so much (thank God we have a dishwasher being delivered today).
Parenting is hard. Adulting is hard and doing them together is super hard. I think it’s great when people are honest. I try to talk about the difficulties, but always put a little bit of positivity in there. Like you say it does get easier (I linked s you keep having babies and getting thrown back to those early days, like me ). I think it is so important to know you are not alone in how you are feeling.
Great Post. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve noticed lately that there is much more honesty around which is really refreshing, it can feel so lonely and depressing when you think you are the only one having a tough time. There has to be a balance though, it can’t be good or bad all the time, it’s always a bit of both.
#bigpinklink
I’ve made a pact to be totally honest in my social media and blog and that means one day I’m happy as Larry, the next I sound ready to run away from it all! I’m sure people probably think I’m nuts but I don’t mind that if somewhere someone is helped by what I’ve posted. Your Mum friend is right, your honesty is great! #bigpinklink
Very true and I completely feel the same. I do post the tantrums, but yes I also the nice photo and the fun times opposed to the rubbish too. It’s about remembering the good times and if we only posted the bad then I doubt that would help us when we look back! #bigpinklink
Oh I’ve always thought you were honest! You are so right about the early days though, they are so so tough both physically and mentally. I find that as they’ve got older the physicality aspect of parenting reduces (if you ignore the washing of sports kit, cooking for 5000 and the taxi-ing!) but the mental aspect seems to magnify somewhat – but because my teens read my posts as do half their friends and some I find it hard to always be brutally honest about what raising teens is really like!! #BigPinkLink oh and yes to sharing and talking about things – always the answer – never bottle it all up xx
I’m just realised now that I’ve started a blog, that the world of social media masks reality, and can create this lovely fuzzy perfect looking world. But we must recognise that we’re all struggling at times, and nobody’s life is perfect. I agree that we’re all guilty of putting a little high polish on our photos on facebook etc but it’s good to put the real stuff on too. Great post #bigpinklink
I love your honesty about having two children. I really want another child, but I’ve never thought about it from this perspective. In my mind it is all happy and everyone is friends. The kids even nap at the same time (haha!). It’s good to get some real perspective on this! #bigpinklink
I like this because it’s something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately too. parenting is tough but equally, we don’t have to dwell on it if we blog. I like to focus on positive bits but also the tough and crappy times too. it seems though that the hard bits and crappy bits resonate with people! facebook can seem like everyone is winning and life is all perfect but in reality it really isn’t and everyone has their sh*t going on. I think a lot of issues stem from our own self confidence. parenting can be so full of judgement too and this never helps 🙂 great post, thanks for sharing x #bigpinklink
It’s hard balance isn’t it! I tend to post “Pretty Pictures”. But my captions are honest. Motherhood can be bloody tough sometimes!
#BigPinkLink
I am honest in my blog and this means that my daughters read about what my inner thoughts are about bringing them up! Occasionally this is quite raw, but I think it’s good for them to understand how the way they are can make others feel. This honesty will help them grow as people. I think it is so important to show honesty as a blogger, because people are reading about our lives and if they enjoy reading our blog, it is generally because they feel they can relate to us and our lives. Alison x #BigPinkLink
It’s posts like these that I relate to 100%. We don’t have to love being a parent 24/7, because it is bloody hard! I love reading honest posts like this, because there is no way that a parents life is all roses and rainbows, no ones children are that good haha! We just like to paint ourselves pretty on social media. Great post, more people need to read it! #BigPinkLink
Becky x
I don’t think anyone’s deluded into thinking it’s a perfect world! On the contrary, we love to see beautiful pictures of children smiling and moms being proud instead of being flooded with pictures of crying babies and rants!
PS: your pictures are beautiful!
#bigpinklink
So true, social media can be a depressing place if you constantly see perfect posts and photos all the time. Everyone has issues away from the camera and so I guess everyone is faking it! Thanks for hosting #BigPinkLink x
I really love this post because it is not all “we are rubbish parents and we should take pride in shaming ourselves publicly”, but neither is it perpetuating the perfect happy family illusion of social media. It’s true, your blog is refreshingly honest and that’s why I like it too. But you are so right, we should remember the good times. It helps to talk about the tough times too though. Every time we admit it’s hard work, it gets easier. #bigpinklink
Moi? Faking it? How very DARE you?! 🙂 Ha ha I think we all know deep down that life can’t be all homemade gingerbread houses and freshly cut flowers but it’s good to have a reminder now and again that everyone else’s lives are as chaotic as our own and we only see the highlight reel. Your Instagram feed is very open and honest I feel. A real mix of life’s ups and downs x #BigPinkLink
Hell yes Louise!
#bigpinkpink
I love this and I can totally relate to it! We are all guilty of sometimes skimming over the bad days, I know before I started blogging I did it quite often. It’s only really now I blog that I feel it’s okay to share the not so good days, and the photos that are far from picture perfect! Fab post, thank you for sharing #bigpinklink
I have so many things I want to say to this!! Totally fab, and you know how much I love it, because you know exactly the angst I have over social media (read: hate it a lot of the time,) and how I get stupidly mad at all the #blessed people out there! Just yesterday, I saw the husband of one of my Facebook’s feeds worst #blessed offenders-both of them literally emblazon every picture with #perfectlife #sobesotted honestly, I can’t deal with it! But I saw the husband marching down the road with the buggy, looking knackered and pissed off, clearly on the phone to the wife loudly stating that he was annoyed at her leaving him with the baby…! Half of me felt sorry for them, that they had to pretend everything was so perfect on SM, half of me felt a bit smug that actually they clearly aren’t #besotted! He didn’t see me, and I didn’t make it known I’d seen him-I didn’t want him to suffer the embarrassment! I’m also aware that a lot of my posts make it seem like I don’t like my children-I don’t most of the time, if I’m totally honest-but like you say, that doesn’t stop me loving them fiercely, and doing everything for them! But they are really hard at the moment-I’d rather have two newborns-that stage was definitely easier! And I seem to be struggling within my mum friends, to find people who are finding it as hard! Although most of them work and escape a lot, have husbands who work less, and have more family nearby (yea, I totally feel sorry for myself over that sometimes!) but I do think I’d find it easier if my circumstances were different-in the meantime, I suppose it’s ranty posts about why are my children so badly misbehaved??!
#bigpinklink
I think we all are to a certain extent aren’t we?! I suppose it’s just the degree to which we are faking it..! If I’m honest, I try not to hold back too much, but that which I do is more from sheer embarrassment I guess… Like when you shut your bedroom door when you have visitors because seriously, no-one needs to see that!! #BigPinkLink
Great post. You see all these filtered ‘hallmark families’ online and you just know it can’t be true. I try to be as true as possible on my blog. Sometimes a little too true for my wife’s liking (and maybe my kids when they grow up). But I think you have to be. People can see ‘the fake’
That’s not to say some areas of my life aren’t filtered out. ….Like my weird fish fetish.
Anyway. Great read
#bigpinklink
Great post.
Social media can be a dangerous place. It can pain a pretty picture of people’s lives. However, I think most of just choose not to share those tough parenting moments with everyone and some do.
#bigpinklink
Such honest words. I love it. #thisisreallife
#bigPinkLink
I love the honesty. I cannot stand pretending like everything is perfect because inside I’m screaming. This was a great read. #bigpinklink
I’m all for keeping it real – love this #bigpinklink xx
Great post I think we all fake it a little bit #bigpinklink
This is the problem with the internet, we show people only the good parts and then we expect life (or children) to be just like that but it isn’t. It’s nice to see the real parts behind the internet. #bigpinklink
I love this! I think we are all guilty of ‘faking it’ but a photo is only a snapshot in time. Generally you aren’t going to want to take a photo of your child throwing a tantrum, it’s not something you want to share! We all have those moments/days where your child bugs you the whole day and you just don’t like them, but I think by admitting that publicly we feel like bad parents. I know that everyday around 4pm onwards I’m not as keen on Oliver, he gets clingy, whingey and just generally a pain! But the good moments through the day outweighs the bad ones #bigpinklink
I do agree that we are all guilty of filtering our lives to an extent. Even non-bloggers who are just sharing their moments on Facebook. I saw a really interesting video about instagram vs reality and it certainly made me think about what I share and the reality x #bigpinklink
I have to agree that my social media reflected a happier mask of myself during my sickest. However my blog and FB page were 100% honest, to the point that it really affected people into action. Which I guess was what was needed at the time, but usually I only blogged about stuff the day after it happened. I think we have real access in social media for support and love, but the fear of public humiliation (and will it get back to my workplace) really hits home with a lot of our generation.
Very good post and saying it like it is about the real deal of parenthood. So easy to get sucked into the perfect family photos but they are rarely if ever what they seem. In fact the more perfect the image, the less i believe in it! jo #bigpinklink
Three cheers for real life, you don’t appreciate the good times without the bad times too. #BigPinkLink
Its interesting because whenever I do see somebody online talking about negative things in their life, I sometimes think they are looking for attention. I think we all just need to be who we are, because there will be somebody out there judging no matter what ! #bigpinklink
I try to keep it real on my blog, too. But to be honest, I had the easier times when my kids were younger. I love the newborn stage. I love the infancy stage, and the toddler stage. When they get older is when I struggle. They have activities that I need to take them to, then there’s the homework, and the back and forth driving them to and from friends’ houses. Gone are the days where I could spend all day in my pajamas, nursing a baby and taking care of toddlers. These days I have to be up and OUT of the house each and every day. It’s exhausting.– I’m not complaining, just say’n 😉
You got me! I am so so soooo guilty of faking it online. My Instagram feed is perfect – everyone is clean, house clean, smiling, pics of adventures! When in reality my house is messy 99% of the time and everything chaotic and one child seems to be always crying! I try and blog about my actually reality in a humorous manner but even then some things aren’t as good as they sound, #bigpinklink
Oh yes don’t we all try and fake it til we make it. Wonderful post and I love your sheer honesty. I was feeling the same way soon after our adoption, shock, exhaustion, what have we done??? And when I look back at my photos it doesn’t quite capture that – but I love looking back and seeing how far we have come. Thanks again! #bigpinklink
This is great. I think it’s all to do with attitude. You seem to be a positive person, so overall what you think and remember about an experience are the good things. I’m the same – I feel I’m just emerging from a few years of sleeplessness and exhaustion, but I have albums full of photos documenting the wonderful first ‘moments’ and holidays. In truth, it was both – awful and brilliant at the same time! Clearly, the awful bits didn’t make it into the album…. #bigpinklink
I’m so glad that things are a little easier for you these days. I still have my shit days but like you things are getting easier. I also agree with you, theres nothing quite like instsham and fakebook to prove not everything that we see is real!
I can totally relate to this! Having a newborn is very tough and I have more disastrous days than good days – you’d know this from my blog but not from my Instagram where I filter to make it look inspiring, which definitely isn’t always a true reflection! But I think if I had too much ‘real’ to look back on I wouldn’t do it again! #bigpinklink
Great post. It’s so true, every day is a roller coaster when you have kids and I don’t think perfect days actually exist. I post mainly positive pictures and posts because I have a tendency to sink into negativity and depression and this is my fight against it so that I can look back and focus on the good and not the screaming fits that took place two min before/after. I definitely appreciate hearing that others are having a hard time of it too though and always try to remember that almost all social media is fake to some extent x
#Bigpinklink
So so true!
Recently I put a picture on Facebook of my son screaming in the sling during the witching hour. It got a huge response because I think people just aren’t used to a non-perfect photo 😉
I’m in the midst of the hard baby + toddler bit now and it is flipping hard x #bigpinklink
Lovely post. I often have those thoughts about my own blog, that it’s all ranting and woe is me, or that nothing ‘funny’ is happening, but as you say this is real life. I often have to remind Mr Lighty that social media is all smoke and mirrors. No one can be Pinterest perfect, surely? #BigPinkLink
This is a great post, and on a subject we have thought about a lot recently. The balance you talk about is exactly what we think is needed sometimes – no, the picture perfect motherhood dipicted online sometimes often isn’t accurate, but the constantly moaning ‘I hate my kids, I’m a shit mom and proud, let’s drink gin’ jokes can wear thin too. Like you say, motherhood has good days and bad days.
Being a parent is hard! It’s so easy to feel pressure when you see all these perfect, well-behaved children looking at you angelically as you scroll down your instagram feed. You have to put it into perspective though – my baby has just thrown up over me. Do I post that on instagram? Nope! It’s just pictures of her smiling and playing 🙂
#BigPinkLink
I think it’s quite natural to post the happy positive moments on FB, I won’t judge people for that, it’s kind of a given. But I think as bloggers, writers & people that speak out to the public essentially, it’s important to be honest otherwise what’s the point? Speaking about all aspects of whatever your chosen subject matter is because whatever it is, there will be ups and downs. Great post, I love reading your honest posts too btw. #BiPinkLink
Great post and so true. Parenting isn’t all unicorns and rainbows, it’s hard and thankless work! #bigpinklink
One of the reasons I’m not very present on my personal Facebook is a brigade of face mums who seem to have infiltrated my news feed. There’s nothing like a pretend perfect parent to make you feel like banging your head against the wall when your kids are been little twats!! Great post #bigpinklink
I tend to agree that many of the mom blogs at least here in the US are alot of perfectness and I admit that I tend to only read the mom blogs that write about parenting with a sense of humor and Ihave found this to be common with UK bloggers. I don’t think I filter so much as leave details out. My kids are grown and it does get easier. #bigpinklink
What you say is very true. We do all show what we want people to see. I don’t think we need to spend all of our time complaining but a bit of honesty goes a long way. #bigpinklink
It is true, we all live very different lives to the facade we lost in facebook. A little bit more honesty would make it easier for all of us. We are all a bit crazy and sad when we’ve had a baby. There’s a whole host of emotions and hormones surging through us that we’ve never felt before. It can be really tough to know what to do with them or even to accept them as natural. Thank you for your post. Pen x #bigpinklinky
Louise this is great, it is so important to put everything in perspective sometimes. Even as old as mine are now when they are relatively independent I still get days when I just want them to clear off and give me some space. Everyone has those ups and downs. #bigpinklink
I love this Lou, its so easy to look at someones photos, or blog, or tweets and think, heck they’ve got it all together but we forget about whats going on behind the camera or keyboard. I do think I have seen a shift on social media over the last year though, with more parent’s showing the more honest side of their lives- especially in a humorous way. Thank you for being a most wonderfully fantastic co-host this week xx #bigpinklink
I try to remain as honest as possible – i even wanted to post a makeup free-greasyhaired photo where i havent touched my hair since going to bed last night and where Ben has been pulling it (his new habit) but my spot filled face and bags made me realise its too awful to put out there for others eyes – but rather than a picture i can totally write about it hahah! I started blogging as I was fed up with people pretending life was amazing when i knew they were struggling and would probably get the support if they were just honest.
#bigpinklink
Great post!! I actually just wrote recently how I think social media is fuelling mum guilt and I do wonder whether it leads to more mum’s feeling low. It’s so hard not to compare to what you see others doing online. I had issues with Instagram but I’m getting more into it by following people who still say it how it is. Or at least moan on Instagram stories like I do! #Bigpinklink
We do all filter our lives to some extent, especially with photos – just as we usually choose the best pictures for the album, and Instagram is often about having a certain look or style. Anyway, it’s difficult to take photos during bad moments, it ‘ s not usually the first thing I think of doing. Its easier to write about later. #bigpinklink
I think social media is incredible and opens up the world to us, but the world that it shows us is so very filtered and edited. I totally agree with you – it can become another big stick to beat ourselves with! I love this Lou. So honest and uplifting. Here’s to us all keeping it real! xx
Parenting IS hard. I wish with all my heart we could go back to the 0-6yrs because they were golden and easy looking back with perspective. Sulky 7’s is a thing, then there’s tweens,then teens. Always issues.
Right now I have a tween, a sulky 7 and a toddler. Each on their own I could handle but the mix, the constant competition, the arguing, the experts telling you how you’re doing it all wrong when in fact it’s all perfectly normal.
Sometimes, experts and bloggers can make us feel like we are failing because it should be picture perfect and perfect bakes but, it’s not like that. Those are snap shots of good times, the ones to hold onto when you feel like pulling your hair out.