So today was an experience. And not a good one! I shall run through it with you, and attempt to find the humour by writing in style of Bridget Jones!
Planned fun day out.
Everyone woke up grumpy and overtired.
But day is PLANNED, must go ahead.
Leave late due to stress of finding everyone’s hats, gloves, snacks, drinks, spare clothes, camera, charged camera battery and un-full SD card. (Don’t normally take camera, hence uncharged-ness of it, usually snap away like papparazzo on my mobile but is currently broken, took tiny dip in loo, thankfully pre-pee!)
Realise as leaving, that broken phone means no sat nav as actual satnav is missing presumed dead. Run back in for a map. No maps except ordinance survey. No way to print directions as the computer is on strike due to overloading of papperazzo photos.
Don’t know where we are going, not even remotely. Acknowledge am hopeless without phone and vow to sort out insurance claim I’ve started, and also charge all batteries for camera for future and sort out computer once and for all. None of this will happen, am pretty sure of that. Except maybe the phone claim, but fact am sitting typing this instead makes it look unlikely!
Anyway, back to the story.
Mother, along for the DAY OUT and quite overexcited, starts flapping. Finds some directions on her phone, then panics about using maps to navigate due to terrifying idea of data roaming costing her £1000.00. (This is woman that used to think that you were charged per character for text messages and used to send garbled messages with all the vowels and punctuation removed- wld lv t mt y fr cff ltr shll I brng dg 😀 ). Set off with handful of directions on mobile screen and two ordinance survey maps that may or may not, (turns out not!), cover journey area.
To cut long moan short, end up going wrong way, a lot. End up in Stroud on ridiculous roundabout system, teeth firmly gritted and children repeatedly questioning if will ever get there.
Go back way we came, the Mothertron finally finds maps app. Proper navigation commences. Arrive.
Get children into appropriate arctic weather gear. Take dogs. Listen to big girl whinge on loop about having to walk them before can do children’s trail.
Decide to take them for lunch first, tis 11.30, might beat the crowds. Remember restaurant has lovely covered outdoor area to sit with dogs. Arrive at restaurant. Have deemed warm enough to sit outside uncovered and removed warm tent. Find a table, sit. Unpack lovely trail packs, icy gale whips past and promptly blows activity sheets away. Chase sheets. Abandon plans. Mother returns dogs to vehicle, go inside, nab table. Go to order. Crowds only slightly beaten. Giggle a little at man with sandwich being very angry at the inability to move without becoming face to face with another human with sandwich. He is muttering a lot.
Eating is successful. Toilets, trail. Are somehow at finish and start is where came in. Decide to do trail backwards. Do two posts before both children give up. One is face down on floor. Short cut through ditch to get back quicker.
A quick, (and wonderful!), play in playground. Then cake needed. Back to cafe. Find table, remove arctic wear. Fight through crowds, then see have run out of all good cakes. Trauma!
Decide to go somewhere else. Artic gear back on.
Reluctant kids carried/coaxed/begged back to van. Drive to nearby town. Find baker. Consume coffee and cake. Small boy tired to the point of collapse. Gets very silly, playing woohoo game with the waitress, (peekaboo but with the call of Frozen’s Oaken), as we go to leave, small boy places both hands on waitresses’ apron. She is nice but doesn’t seem child person particularly, looks bit shocked. Play it off that was looking at letter from name on apron. Then small boy ruins by loudly announcing; ‘I touched her boobies!’ and near collapsing in exhausted hysterical giggles!
So that was our day!
Mortified doesn’t quite cover it! Please send wine!!!!
Day later edit: Funnily enough, looking over the photos today, (a MUCH better day btw!!), it almost looks like we had a great time. Maybe I should post them to Instagram hashtag love life, hashtag life is perfect, hashtag perfect day out, if only I hadn’t just ruined it all with my honesty hey?! 😉