I realise co-sleeping at all, never mind extended co-sleeping is something that a lot of people frown upon but I don’t really see why. As the years go by, I am starting to realise more and more keenly that the amount of time I have of being your entire world is so short, and getting shorter by the day.
Co-sleeping is a decision some parents make to allow babies and young children to sleep alongside either one or both parents.
Extended co-sleeping is simply a decision some parents make to carry the practice on as the child becomes a toddler. A lot of people make the choice to extend co-sleeping beyond the baby years, not as part of a long term plan, but as a continuation of normality.
There are pros and cons to extended co-sleeping, which I will discuss, but usually, it happens because parents have gotten used to it, because they like it, and because normalisation simply happens.
Some parents make an early conscious decision regarding extended co-sleeping, both for and against, based on a perception of the benefits or pitfalls. Neither choice is wrong or right; ultimately the choice should be made based on individual circumstances.
Benefits Of Extended Co-Sleeping
We have found there to be a number of benefits to extended co-sleeping with our children. These include;
Better Sleep
Practising co-sleeping can potentially result in both parents and the baby getting more, better quality sleep over time. Comforting your toddler is so much easier when the are within arms reach. Not only that, the toddler is more likely to sleep for longer periods of time if they are in a comfortable safe environment, increasing the chances they will self-soothe if they wake up scared.
Bonding
Extended co-sleeping extends the period of time that parents are bonding with their child through daily experiences. Continuing this bonding experience into the period of their lives when a toddler is becoming more aware of their surroundings and the people withing it makes it more likely they will associate the parents with times when they feel safe, comfortable, and sociable.
Extended co-sleeping has been around for a very long time, and it evolved precisely for this reason. Many people feel this bonding period is an essential part of a child’s life.
Stress
A study has shown that stress levels reduce significantly in mothers and babies who co-sleep. It has been shown that extended co-sleeping helps with balancing the hormone cortisol, resulting in less stress, and facilitates better growth and development of both physical and mental capacities among toddlers.
Continuing co-sleeping into the toddler years can also result in physiological stability; their temperatures, heart rhythm, and breathing are likely to be more stable as a result of sleeping in a shared environment they are comfortable in.
Mental Strength
Studies have shown that extended co-sleeping can improve long-term emotional and mental health. Self-esteem, anxiety, happiness, and behaviour problems can all potentially be positively affected by choosing to practice extended co-sleeping. It can also reduce a child’s fear of sleeping, by simply not removing the child from a familiar environment they are happy in.
Parental routine – simply put, if parents have become used to sharing a bed with their baby, it is far simpler to continue with the arrangement. Changing an established routine can be problematic for both parents and the child, and it is only natural to wish to delay this shock to the system. There is nothing wrong with making a decision on extended co-sleeping for this reason.
Do Co-Sleeping Babies & Children Wake More?
A 2005 study in the USA examined the difference in sleep patterns among children aged 3-15 months old. The study suggested that co-sleeping children had shorter periods of being awake than non-co-sleeping children and that they spent an average of 40% of their time overnight face to face with their mothers. This suggests that the comforting factor is the overall factor in helping co-sleeping children achieve better sleep patterns.
The arguments for getting more sleep are hard to ignore, as is the benefit of feeling safe and secure as a toddler at the time of day when they feel most vulnerable. The study also found that the majority of Caucasian families choose to practice extended co-sleeping reactively, in response to a sleep problem developing in their children.
This makes a lot of sense. Conversely, African American and Hispanic families tend to choose to do so for cultural reasons. Whether the decision is cultural or reactive, the benefits to sleep can’t be denied.
Is Co-Sleeping Bad For Development?
Whether co-sleeping is bad for development or not is heavily dependent on circumstances and context. There is a natural cross-over point when a bonding experience becomes a dependence issue, but this will be different for each individual and child.
Besides, whether over-dependence at this age is a bad thing or not is debatable, as a dependent toddler will have plenty of time to develop independence as they get older.
Not only that, independence isn’t only related to sleep; a child can gain this through independent play, teaching problem solving, and general all-round positive parenting.
In some circumstances a co-sleeping child may develop issues around sleep. If the child’s sleep is broken and shorter as a result of them waking up repeatedly due to the movement and nightly noises of their parents or siblings, there is the possibility they may continue this sleep pattern into their later years. This will be dependent on the sleeping patterns of those they share their sleeping space with.
Another development issue may arise whereby the infant will develop a complex whereby they struggle to sleep alone in their later childhood years. Again, this will be specific to each child, and it is impossible to predict who would be impacted on by this and who wouldn’t.
There have been some fears raised by epidemiologists and infant health experts around co-sleeping and infant fatalities. While these can’t be dismissed out of hand, it is worth noting that these studies don’t allow for other circumstances.
For example, parental substance use, bed-sharing arrangements, and the position of the sleeping child are not taken into account. Maintaining a safe approach to co-sleeping, by keeping distance between the parents and child, not placing the toddler in an uncomfortable or stressful position, and constantly reacting to potential hazards should help to prevent this.
An often-overlooked potential pitfall in development concerns the parents and family unit as a whole. One of the most important aspects of co-sleeping, and extended co-sleeping in particular, is to ensure it is the right thing to do for all involved. If one part of a partnership is unhappy with the arrangement this can foster resentment, result in lost sleep for them and potentially all involved.
In this instance, there is a high likelihood the child will notice the bad feeling, increasing their own feelings of anxiety and reduce their sleep. The best solution to this, as with other aspects of parenthood, is to have an open and honest discussion about co-sleeping. If one parent is set against the idea, this must be addressed as early as possible, to reduce the risk of bad feelings transmitting to the child and impacting on their emotional development.
There is a good chance that the child will let the parent or parents know when co-sleeping is no longer the right approach for them. Children develop very quickly, and they interact with other toddlers and children ad playgroups and pre-schools. If they become aware that their friends all sleep on their own, they will probably want to do the same as a result of their association with other groups of children.
If this is the case, it is worth noting that what is right and wrong for other children is not necessarily right for every child. Most children are capable of putting on a brave face, and it must be acknowledged that while they may want to sleep alone, the reality might put them off after a short while.
Aaah, I totally agree that it’s such a short period of time that they do it, that it’s not really worth trying to stop!! But… I do have a but!! Eldest isn’t interested in sleeping in our bed, and just wants his own space! And until recently, littlest just snoozed all night and didn’t look like he’d ever want us in the night. But then he started with constant shouting, wanting someone to hold his hand/be with him. So I let him in our bed because it was the only place he’d settle. The only thing is, neither of us can sleep with him in the bed…! He snores, throws himself around, screams in his sleep, and we end up exhausted the next day! If he just slept quietly, I’d love him being there, but I can’t cope with the sleep deprivation it’s causing me…!! But long live you having your girl with you if it’s working for you all!! Xx
Oh I totally understand this!! If she comes in too close to morning, she is exactly the same! And it drives me potty! But if she comes in the early hours, she is super quiet and just falls straight back to sleep and stays in one place!! I send them back to their own rooms if they wriggle!! So you have my massive sympathies! It is exhausting when they are like that!!xx
Oh my gosh I totally relate to this. T has co-slept for about 4 years (he’s just turned 5) he openly says he wants to be close to me but the problem is he still wants to sleep on my tummy, which is getting increasingly more difficult as he gets bigger. I’m sure one day it will stop and I’ll miss it terribly but after 5 1/2 years of disturbed sleep I’m beginning to struggle. Great post Louise xxxx
Oh that must be exhausting! I am all for personal space too and get too hot if anything is touching me in bed. It’s so sweet that he wants to be so close but I understand completely that it’s draining for you.xx
I sort of feel like this is a non-issue that people have come up with a label for. Didn’t we all get into our parents beds at night as kids? Only now we get judged for letting our kids do it because there’s a name for it. You need to do what’s right for you all and that’s really none of anybody else’s business.
Nat.x
Well said Nat!! I know exactly what you mean. Society are so desperate to label things and then berate others for it now!x
Keep going 🙂 Arthur is 2 on Saturday and he ends up in our bed every night – we all get more sleep that way. I’m not sure what we will do when we have number 2…but I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. So many people frown upon it that I’ve just started talking about it like it’s the most normal thing ever- because it is! The number of ppl who have messaged me to say they do it in secret is insane. They are only little once, make the most of it x
Exactly! It does get harder when there is a teeny baby in there for squashing reasons, but then you get them to go on Daddy’s side and pop the baby on the other side of you. So lovely that it’s the norm for you. We’ve always had a rotation of different bodies in bed!
Ah this could have been me talking, although without the OH. Mine leaves to sleep in the spare room because of the space issue and he says I snore. N only started coming in when he was 5. He’s going to be 6 in a few weeks. He’s never mentioned being scared but when I asked why he does it over the summer, he said it was because he wanted to sleep near me. He’s only in the next room but as a mum I guess we all want our child to love us like that.
If I was awake when he comes in I would send him back but I sleep through anything. If he couldn’t them settle and forgets he would be sent out. And if he’s there when I go to bed he’s now too heavy for me to pick up without help from him. So we all e get a good night sleep.
He did so most of December in his own bed, until tonight. Sigh. Because I would like him to stay in his own bed. Thankfully when he sleeps over at granny’s now he does sleep in his own. But she did get a shock the first time when he turned up and climbed into bed with her.
We had extended co-sleeping with both kids and I don’t care what people say, its what they wanted, needed and made our lives far easier.
Our girls are 6 and 8. We stopped long ago trying to get them to sleep in their own rooms. Long ago… And we believe, like you, sleep = happiness and the time of this devotion is so short, so what the heck. We have 4 in the bed, plus a pooch. The extended king for our queens! Great post! <3
Oh how brilliant!!! I love that you have the doggy too. We occasionally have the cat but the doggy is too old to get upstairs now.
Interesting post! I’ve never written about it but me and my daughter do co-sleep maybe 50% of the time… it’s just how we do it…. partly a cultural things and partly a lifestyle choice…. and it works fine for us! She is 8. At least we have a close bond and I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
I think that’s lovely. I quite like the fact that it’s as and when with us too. 😀
Hello Louise
Thank you for this lovely post, some parents rest better themselves with the baby nearby. I think we’re the ones getting it wrong, nearly every culture outside the Western world advocates co-sleeping, yet Western families cling stubbornly to the tradition of keeping babies and young toddlers out of parental beds. It certainly doesn’t help that pediatricians offer opinions like it is a baby’s job is to learn to sleep and become autonomous, which means they shouldn’t be sleeping in your bedroom. It seems fairly ludicrous to me that anyone can advise parents to respect the needs of their young babies and children only during daytime hours, as if night time hours somehow can be ignored because parents need sleep.
Good luck to you now and always.
We bedshare with both of our kids so this post is a breath of fresh air to me. My eldest is 5 and my youngest is 2. I totally agree, this time is fleeting and we won’t regret this extra time spent snuggling. You seem like an awesome mam – respect!
Oh thanks my lovely? And I love that you all pile in together, how wonderful. You sound fantastic too!xx
Ah we are exactly the same, I have always had strong beliefs in a bedtime routine and apart from night feeds we had no night time/ sleep issues. Recently though the youngest has come in to us in the night wanting to sleep with me and I feel I can’t say no, she is the last so it will all end when she is a little older so why not treasure those cuddles, I think if she is initially going to her own bed and settling she is not reliant on me to go to sleep and I still get a couple of hours ‘mum’ time, who cares if she needs a cuddle in the night, don’t we all sometimes. Xx
What a lovely comment! I agree, mine go to sleep independently and happily so if there’s a night issue and cuddles are needed I have no problem with it. She won’t be doing forever. Which also makes me sad!! Thanks for reading.
Co-sleeping is absolutely normal in our (Indian) culture, and I think it’s very healthy for a child to be close to their parents, not isolated away from them. You’re doing the right thing. I would still snuggle with my parents if I had the chance (I’m 28 and mom of 2) Keep it up mommy!