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I never wanted to dread the Summer holidays.

I never wanted to dread the Summer holidays. Ever.


I am hideously aware that time is ticking away. I can feel it, I can sense the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the years rushing past me.

I’m so conscious of the fact that my children have grown so much already. They are changing by the day and growing more and more independent. And although I love that, I know that I won’t get the time back. Ever. And that one day I will be old and grey and wishing for the these moments again, no matter how bad it seems now, desperate for one last cuddle, one last kiss, one more laugh.

I’m sure at some point I will even yearn for the sound of their arguing, anything just to hear their childish voices ringing through the house again.

But as it stands now, I am on the edge. The edge of fury, the edge of rage. I’m so willing myself to ‘cherish every sodding moment’ but I simply can’t.

The first two weeks were hell. Both children struggling with deep emotional issues, my baby boy sad about leaving nursery and preschool, his upset coming out in rage and anger, rudeness and violence. My darling girl broken hearted at the idea of her beloved teacher not being hers anymore. It was probably two of the hardest weeks I’ve had since they were babies. And that’s saying something! Not to mention the new puppy in the mix.

Then an enormous emotional break in both, the floodgates opened and the truth spilled out. Tears flowed, worries were confided and suddenly there was sunshine again. That was the day before our holiday and so two glorious weeks ensued where I had my darling loving son back. The anger he had turned on me dissipating in one day, full of love and cuddles and smiles again. Two parents to play with, fun Daddy and Mummy replacing working, busy Mummy and Daddy and a swimming pool and pizza and pasta and gelato. Life was good again.


And now? Well, now Daddy is back at work. A Mummy frantically trying to catch up on all the work that piled up in her absence takes the fun parents’ place. I can feel the weight of my email box hovering at my shoulder. Guilt at being unable to answer all the pending people quickly enough.

I’m trying so hard to make it fun, mornings are for park trips and adventures, afternoons for some quiet time and maybe a film, but it’s not enough. They are bored. I am boring. It doesn’t help that the day starts at 6am when the alarm goes for work. Us girls could sleep on happily but my boy is up and at em. No matter how late bed the night before was or how exhausted he really is.

By 11, he is lost to tiredness. Like taking out a small, belligerent drunk, he trips and falls, shows off and annoys his sister…..who isn’t much better herself! And I shout. Where are your shoes? Don’t know. Why don’t you know? How don’t you know where the shoes you were wearing ten minutes ago are?! Shrugs all round. Doesn’t know, doesn’t seem to care.

It feels like a never ending cycle, try and go out, shout, finally get out, small drunk people ruin it, shout more, come home.

I didn’t ever want to feel like this. I wanted to love the time we had together. I wanted to plan fun activities and all be happy and smiley like the family on the tv ads.

Instead I’ve steadily added to their vocabulary with a host of new words that are most certainly not suitable for school and almost lost my voice from shouting. Maybe that’s just life. I mean there has to be a reason for all the memes and jokes and desperate statuses of mothers clamoring for September.

I can’t go back to the tranquility of the holiday, but in an attempt to channel the peace in the photo above, I shall just breathe deeply. And plan something else for tomorrow, hoping it’s better then today, attempt to squash my frustrations at lost shoes and silly behaviour.

Oh, and see if there is still space at Summer camp maybe! 😉 Hopefully I will forget this, a little like childbirth, I don’t want to dread the Summer holidays every year!

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10 Comments

  1. August 22, 2017 / 6:52 pm

    Ahh yep, I feel your pain on the work front. It’s tough to fit it all in. I have ended up giving up on work for the summer. I spend one or both days at the weekend working and I work in the evenings. I fit in the odd email during the day but generally I’ve just accepted that I can’t do it. I wanted to, but I can’t. You’re doing a brilliant job managing to keep going with work as well as the summer holidays, I don’t think there’s any shame in looking forward to September. When they’re back at school you’ll look forward to half term. But mums need a break too!
    Nat.x

    • August 22, 2017 / 7:25 pm

      Thank you Nat, that makes me feel better. I’ve really been struggling and now realise I can’t keep it up. I meant to get more stuff done pre holiday and then life happened and I was behind anyway but broke my laptop on the way to the airport etc etc etc! I also wanted to schedule but hahahaha! I’m nearly caught up, and I’m just going try and really make the most of the time left. And then work my butt off in September!! We do need a break. I forget that sometimes.xx

  2. August 22, 2017 / 7:14 pm

    I feel the same! And being pregnant isn’t helping. I just don’t have the energy to entertain him every single day!

    • August 22, 2017 / 7:26 pm

      Oh my gosh! Being pregnant would finish me off I think!! It was exhausting with a 2 year old who still napped.

  3. August 23, 2017 / 2:15 am

    was just thinking this today. As much as I’ll end up missing the little brat after a few weeks, I’m ready for school to start

    • August 23, 2017 / 7:49 am

      It’s ridiculous isn’t it? You just can’t win as a parent!!

  4. August 23, 2017 / 7:51 am

    Although I’ve managed to squeeze a few days in here and there thanks to having grandparents close by I’ve had to fit the majority of my work (and housework) into small pockets of time on an evening or weekend.

    I’ll miss them when they’re back at school but I’m so looking forward to getting my routines back

  5. August 23, 2017 / 1:01 pm

    I enjoyed the holidays until this week. This week I feel the same as you, I am so tired of shouting!

  6. August 23, 2017 / 1:22 pm

    I’m the opposite to you. I’m at work – I’ve managed to take 2 weeks of holiday and an extra week of unpaid leave. He spends the other 3 weeks working on the farm with his dad. Or dumped on his uncle doing sheep jobs or at the inlaws. I feel guilty because his dad isn’t changing anything and gets away with it, with just dumping N on whoever’s around – on Sunday he spent 5 hours including lunch at my sister in law’s but noone told me. His dad went off to do some drilling, I was at home, he should have come home to spend time with me. N’s in heaven, he loves being on the farm, but I feel like I miss out. He doesn’t want to come out and do things with me however exciting, he’d rather be on the farm.

    Thankfully we only have the one so he can’t antagonise a sibling, and he’s got cousins around him.

    We all have bad days with kids, but hope the end of your hols is more enjoyable

  7. August 25, 2017 / 7:04 am

    I feel the pressure to constantly entertain them and feel guilty if i don’t choose to go anywhere that day. The questions where are we going today? What are we doing today? Arrrggggghhhhh I never want to go anywhere with my youngest two. We are that up the wall family who everybody looks at, always forget something essential or always end up darting early from a cafe/shop because of the showdowns lol! Your holiday looks gorgeous. X

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