Rehoming a dog guilt, farewell to Barney.
I can’t actually believe that I’m typing this, but my heart is breaking and my eyes are swollen from crying so I know that it’s real, last week marked Barney’s first birthday (as near as a rescue dog can be aged) and just days later marked the day we had to say goodbye to him. Rehoming a dog guilt is so very real, but I know it’s the right thing, for him and for us.
A little backstory.
8 months ago when we picked him up, we were full of excitement and anticipation, it had taken us so long to make this decision. Our beloved lab Monty died in January and for 6 months we tried to live without a dog but we found it so hard it seemed like fate when we met an Amiici dog and learnt about their amazing charity rehoming dogs from Romania. Within two weeks of making contact, we were picking up a giant puppy, with the most enormous paws. For 8 months we have poured heart and soul into him and although it took a while, we fell completely in love with him.
Rehoming a dog guilt is real but it was our only option.
For a while now though, we have been worried about the affect that our busy household has been having on him, as he gets older, he’s been showing increasing signs of anxiety, having difficulty allowing strangers into the house and becoming fear reactive on the lead, making walking more tricky. (On some reflection, we have realised that he is not a pack leader, he is the first to run at any sort of skirmish in the park and he has been getting too stressed as the only dog in a household with a lot of perceived threats and no other dog to tell him it was ok.)
When it isn’t safe to keep your dog
He has been barking at children that come for playdates, meaning he was having to be shut away more often, and the final straw has been him starting to growl at the children when they come near him and then snapping at them when they don’t register. If they were older, we could have explained but they have been used to Monty and keep forgetting to give him space. It isn’t fair on him or them. After seeking advice from the wonderful charity we got him from, we were advised that it would be in all of our best interests to return him to them so that they can find him a new home with older or no kids and people that can devote the time to training with him before something really bad happens. We were just not in a position to take on a nervous dog as we don’t have the time to put into him and it turned into a potentially very dangerous situation.
Also, the bigger he got, when he got overexcited and ran with the children as they tore up and down the garden, he had a tendency to knock them flying, something that was making them nervous. The saddest thing of all about this tragic outcome? He is the loveliest dog, sweet, friendly natured and wanting to be everyones’ best friend, picking up his training with lightening speed, he was even able to be taught by the children who used to say ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot’ to him and he’d put his paw out. We love him so so so much and just hate this situation so much.
When there are children involved
If my husband and I didn’t have children, there is no way that I would be typing this, but we do, and they come first and we knew that should the unthinkable ever happen and he nipped one of their friends as he was trying to herd them or knocked a child flying in the park and they were hurt or worst of all lashed out in frustration, he wouldn’t be getting this option and so we have done this for him too, as painful and traumatic as it is. I am barely able to see the screen through my tears as I think of him tonight, wondering where we went. Why we left him. It is honestly one of the most traumatic endings that I never imagined for our story and I feel physical pain in my chest whenever I picture his face.
Does rehoming a dog guilt fade?
Well it’s hard to believe it has been so long. It has been over three years since we returned Barney to the charity that brought him over to the UK. Three years since he was rehomed to a family with no young children. I don’t know how he is doing, they chose not to have any contact with us and I understand that. They wanted him to be their dog. All I can hope for is that under a more experienced owner, with no noisy young children he grew to be the dog we always wished he was, calm, confident with men and with his fear reactive aggressive streak tempered.
Can there be a happy ending?
Does the guilt of rehoming a dog ever fade? Well yes it does, looking back I know in my heart of hearts that we did the right thing, the only thing we could have done. Getting another dog has taught me that. We didn’t want another. My heart was too broken, but we missed having a dog around so much. We finally took the plunge and got Hendrix the Labrador and I can honestly say that I finally understand that sometimes a dog just isn’t right for your family. Through no fault of your or their own, the fit just isn’t right and I genuinely believe that it makes you a better owner to recognise that and put the dog before your own feelings. Hendrix is calm, gentle, patient and completely non reactive. I trust him fully around the children and he is their best friend. I’m not nervous walking him in the park and we don’t go on long obscure routes to avoid people.
As painful as rehoming a dog guilt can be, as sad as it is, as heart wrenching, sometimes it’s the best and only option. I never believed I’d rehome a dog, we were always the rehomers but in this instance, it was the safest option and the clarity of hindsight has made me secure in our decision. Yes I miss him, I hope he’s doing well, but I know that he is better off with someone else.
I’m so sorry. I had tears in my eyes reading this. Wonder if he would be better with a companion. Are you able to keep in touch with the new owners to see how he’s getting on. I think he’s had a wonderful 8 months which I’m sure will help him in his new home x
I think he definitely needs a buddy. He was much happier with other dogs. They are going to keep us updated all the way. We really gave him a lot of love and hopefully that will help him.x
He has 8 months of pure unadulterated love and you’ve set him on the path to find his forever home. We fell in love with him when we met him and I know it won’t be long until he finds his new home xxxxxx
Oh thank you Beth. That means a lot.xxx
The time you have devoted to him will set him up for the rest of his life.
I think it is very mature and responsible of you to realise there may be an issue and prevention is better than cure.
I am so sorry this is the outcome as I know how they integrate into family and home and everything you do. I feel your pain.
We always take on rescue dogs and the last one we had was very very close to getting sent back to the SSPCA on more than one occasion due to her erratic behaviour with other dogs. The most sweet adorable loving dog with the grandchildren and people but a devil beyond all recognition when out.
Thank you for this. He is such a lovely lovely dog and he will make someone the best dog. I’m just devastated it’s not us. We miss him so so so much already. I’m glad you’ve had lots of successful rescues.
You have done the right thing for him and for your family. I am so sad for you that it didn’t work out. I also rescued a rommie dog, a small one, she too would prefer to be out in all weathers except for snow. She had been found as a tiny puppy abandoned in the snow. Sadly our rommie was killed in a road accident, I have never forgiven myself, but reassure myself (and you and your family) that she and Barney have been shown love, security and a much better life than they would have done had they not come here.
Oh Hilary, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so so painful when they die isn’t it. Really losing a member of the family. I’m sure there was nothing you could have done. Barney has a chance at more happiness in his future and we have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
I am doing the same thing right now. First ever dog, rommie gsd cross. Fab in the house but became really reactive when he hit puberty and it is just escalating. Walks are scary, not fun. We have been hurt trying to stop him attacking other dogs and he has started barking at men on walks now too. Sounds very much like Barney in the home though. I have 2 girls aged 12 and 14 who love him as we do but can never be left holding his lead. Ever.
The stress has got the better of me. The girls will not forgive me but I am taking him back to his foster home on Sunday. We are all in floods already. Please look for Yogi on Phoenix rehoming site. He is gorgeous but needs a strong pack leader and preferably more dogs to learn from….
Hi Ruth, I’m so sorry, I’ve only just seen this. How are you? Did you take him back? I’m so so so sad for you. Especially for a first dog. Barney was our second but we both grew up with a variety of dogs with different temperaments and had a lot of experience. I imagine it would be even more traumatic for a first dog. I hope your daughter’s are alright. It’s really just so heartbreaking but you have to know that you have done the right thing for your family and also for the dog. Like you say, he needs someone with a lot of experience. I still miss Barney and my heart hurts when I think of him but I consider us his foster family who helped him get into the country. He is with a new family now and I don’t have any news on his well-being but I do hope he is happy. He now have Hendrix, our very docile, very predictable, gentle, friendly Labrador and he’s exactly what we all need.xxx
Thank you Louise. Yes I did take him back and it was terrible. Luckily he seemed happy to go back into his foster house and was readopted within a few weeks. The house is quiet and calm and I am certainly able to function as a mum again. We are all moving on except for my youngest daughter who still cannot forgive me or believe he is gone. She will need a lot of help ( she can’t even say goodbye to a toothbrush without a drama)…. I love reading your blogs, keep up the good work!
Oh my days, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s a very brave decision to make. x
I was so sorry to read this but it was the only possible decision. If he’d bitten one of the children you would have been faced with having to put him to sleep, so this was kindest for all of you. I know it doesn’t make it any easier though, absolutely heartbreaking decision to have to make. I am sure he will soon find a loving home and I hope you can still keep in touch with him and his new family.
Nat.x
I am so sorry Louise, I can only imagine how devastated you are feeling. But I’d like to give you a HUGE thank you for recognizing he needs to be rehomed in order to protect him, as well as others. Lola and Barnaby have a lot in common. She is anxious and scared of noises, we never walk her as she gets scared too easily. She used to love children but slowly has come to view them as aggressors and she won’t tolerate them running near her. And you are totally correct, since we don’t have kids this isn’t a problem for us. I am Lola’s pack leader and she has to be close enough to touch me throughout the day. I even changed my job to stay home with her once it became apparent that I either had to give her up or stop leaving her alone for large chunks of the day. I just wanted to give you hope that an owner like me will want Barnaby and will treat him like a king. #bigpinklink
Oh Heather, thank you so much, that really does help. He would be so lucky to get someone wonderful like you and it gives me hope to read this. I think his new family will be able to give him the same loving care and the calm home he needs. We’ll never stop thinking of him and missing him but I know that it was the only thing we could have done.xx
Oh I’m so sorry to read this, he looks and sounds like such a lovely dog. I’m so glad to read you’ve had happy photos from him and that he is being rehomed. It’s always very sad when we have to say goodbye to a pet but you are putting the children and his interests first which is the right thing to do. xx #BigPinkLink
Thank you lovely, he’s such a sweetie and he won his new owners to be over so quickly. I’m sad that they get to take him home but happy that he’s got someone new to love him.
I am so sorry to read this. I had two beautiful ragdoll cats that we ended up having to give away due to various medical problems with them and the fact that having 3 children I just could not give them the time they deserved. it still makes me sad wven though I know they are in a lovely home. You have to do what is right for your children and your family so I think you have 100% done the right thing. sending hugs. #BigPinkLink
I’m so glad that your cats got their happy ending but I’m sorry you’ve been through this too, it really really hurts doesn’t it? Thank you for your kind comment.
Very sensible and brave putting the needs of the dog above you’re own emotional need, so well done! X
Thank you, I really appreciate that, it helps so much to hear.
This is such a sad read Louise, my heart is breaking for you all. I know how much you all loved him and how much he was already part of your family, so I can imagine how difficult a decision this must have been, but I do think you’ve made the right decision for you all. I’m so glad he’s found another loving home where he’ll hopefully be far more settled #bigpinklink
Thank you for your lovely comment Katy, we have sobbed and sobbed and sobbed over this but we do feel much better now we have seen him happy and with some people that really want him and can give him the calm and child free home that he so needs. He looked so ‘fine’ and that hurt but really helped too.
I grew up with dogs around both from breeders and strays. It is such a tricky decision when there are young children in the home. We have toyed with the idea of a dog for a while but my heart continues to say “not just yet” for all the reasons outlined in your post. You have absolutely made the right decision. Sending lots of love #bigpinklink
Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that, we have felt terrible about it but it really was the right and only decision he could have made. His new owners have seen him at full size and full boisterous-ness and so know exactly what they are taking on. Our hearts are still hurting but it helped to see him happy. I think we will try again one day, but not for a while. It’s too raw! Thanks for your kind words.xx
So sorry things didn’t work out the way you planned with your dog. You have to put the family first and sadly you can’t rehome the kids!! It sounds like you did what was best for him too as he obviously was very anxious around children. #BigPinkLink
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I have a border collie called Joe who no longer lives with us, luckily he’s now with my mum. It break my heart every single day that he’s not under my roof, but he’s so big and bouncy that having him in our smallish house with babies just wasn’t working. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but as you say, the children have to come first. It’ll get easier lovely, chin up xxx #bigpinklink
I read this post on twitter and was so sad for what you’ve all had to go through. I’m sure you’ve made the right call but it’s a tough one xxxx #bigpinklink
Sorry to hear about your current situation, fingers crossed he goes to an another home full of love X #bigpinklink
There is wisdom in knowing when it is too much for a pet. I hope he finds a great home that will give him what he needs. #bigpinklink
This is so sad. I remember how upset you were when you lost Monty and then your wonderful post about finding Barnaby. It is good to know he is getting on well with his new family, I hope that brings you comfort. This is a lovely post. The advert says so much. Thinking of you. #bigpinklink
Oh gosh, what a shame but you know your doing the right thing for him and for your family. I’ve never had a dog, but I can imagine how hard this must be for you all. I hope Barney finds another loving home #Bigpinklink
God I found this hard to read because we are debating whether to get a dog and have been given a lot of mixed advice and conflicting opinions about whether a rescue dog is right for us as we’ve never had a dog before. I can’t believe your awful luck considering your beloved previous dog died and I totally get how torn up you are at giving him away. Sending hugs lovely
I’m so sorry 🙁 It’s so hard to tell with a new pet, rescue or not, how it’s all going to go until you get them home. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but that’s one of those things. When we snuggled with our rescue cat, we were told there’s no such thing as the wrong animal or the wrong owner, just the wrong combination. Hopefully the next home – with no children – will be the right one for Barnaby. And the right dog will find you. Sending hugs to you all.
I’m sorry, this must have been such a hard decision to make. Barnaby looks like a lovely dog and I’m sure he will be really happy in his new home and settle in soon. #bigpinklink
You have taken a brave and heart-breaking decision for the very best of reasons. I am so pleased it looks like he has a new home too and hope you will update us and perhaps you can still visit him? I think your post will also help others really think through whether to have a dog and what dog will suit their circumstances best. I know I have made foolish decisions in the past too ready to be ruled by heart rather than head. It will get easier for you as with any big loss and I totally get the pain of rehoming a pet. #BigPinkLinky
Oh Louise, I can really feel your pain when I read this. You have done the right thing for your family and Barney, but I know that doesn’t take away the pain. Sending lots of hugs. xxx #bigpinklink
Aw I’m so sorry you’re having to do this but you’re doing the right thing for everyone. Dogs become such a huge part of the family that it’s so hard to say goodbye to them – for whatever reason. Please give us updates if you find out where he goes! #bigpinklink
May he go to a home that fits his needs. I’m not keen on dogs personally as I fear them but I don’t like to think of him going to a worse place. #bigpinklink
I am crying as I read this, and I wish you all the strength and energy to get through this process. Such a hard choice for all. And you have to protect the kinder. The pup will find a good place. Oy! #bigpinklink xo
I felt so sorry for you reading this but you made the right decision for your family and Barnaby and I’m so glad that it looks like he’s going to a new home so quickly. #bigpinklink
After hours and and hours and weeks and weeks trolling the internet, looking for some kind of understanding in how i feel, i came across this heart wrenching post.
I had to rehome my best friend 2 months ago and i still cry everyday, and just can’t function at all.
My story:
I got my beautiful lurcher as a 8 week old pup. It was just me and him for over a year and we became the best of friends and my life was absolutely complete .
Then my son and grandson’s circumstances changed, and they had to move in with me on a temporary basis, until they got there new home.
Everything was fine for a while. My kids knew pups from young and my grandson( who is nine) would often play nicely with him. They loved him dearly.
After a week or more, i started to notice that pups was getting a bit snappy, nothing serious, just a bit weird around his food, bones etc. So i told my grandchild not to go near him when his eating or chewing on a bone. Which was fine for a bit.
Then one morning my grandson came in from playing absolutely covered in blood saying the dog had bit him. Well as anyone can imagine, it was chaos from there.
My son immediately wanted to kill my pups and ordered me to get him out of the house .
I locked pups in his pen, and rushed my grandson to hospital. He had a small cut to his mouth which needed a couple of stitches. The hospital asked what had happened and my son told them my pups had bit my grandchild. They then have an obligation to inform the police, who in turn have an obligation to call the social workers.
I had no choice but to put my beautiful pups into a rescue centre, as the police/social worker did not want my pups around my grandchild.
I contacted my local centre, and explained the situation, and that this would be a temporary stay for my pups (they offer temporary boarding kennels) and with tears rolling and not wanting to let go of my pups and in a state of shock, confusion and just a mess, i took him to the centre.
I phoned everyday (albeit in a right state) to see if my pups was doing ok, and was told to ring back in two weeks. I did this . My son and grandson moved out in this time , so i told the centre that i would be coming to collect him.
Apparently i signed a document which gave the centre total ownership of my pups, and that i no longer owned him.
I was in such a state when i took pups there , i can’t even remember signing anything!!
So here i am 6 weeks down the line, my heart is broken into bits and i cry constantly. Friends have contacted the centre, (as they keep putting the phone down on me) and i have now been told he has been rehomed.
My best friend has gone, my kids have gone and now i’m all alone.
I’ll never get over this, So what do i do now…
Im hurting, angry and lost without my best friend pups..
Oh gosh, this is utterly heartbreaking to read. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I rehomed my one year old puppy Cleo, I’m actually crying as I write this. She’s a beautiful dog, very gentle and loving. Both my partner and I live in London in a ground floor flat with a garden which suited her fine but she’s getting bigger and more athletic so would have needed a larger space. What’s more is that she’s not a city dog, she too is nervous. She has separation anxiety which is hard as we’ve both got full time jobs and although the dog walker has been great, we physically couldn’t give her the time and attention she needed. The final straw came when she took off a quarter of the door frame which could have really damaged her gums and stomach, if she has swallowed the wood. Thankfully she didn’t. She was rehomed quickly when we found the perfect young family, who were always around and had the energy to play with her. It all happened fast but if it was any longer it would have been worse. I know she’s happy, they are good people and have stayed in touch too. I burst into tears when I met them. They were very compassionate. How can anyone give away a part of their heart? Cleo loved me unconditionally and I loved her unconditionally. That’s what hurts the most when saying goodbye to a dog, they love you with all their heart and soul. Now I’ve got a void left, where she used to be. Her old toys are still here, I can’t part with them. I look at old photos together and smile. But then I remember that I’ll never see her again and my heart is broken all over again. It’s only been one day, but I know both my partner and I will move on. I really resonated with your story. Thank you for sharing and I hope your baby is doing well.
Hi Rita,
I’m so sorry for not replying to you sooner, I didn’t see your comment. How are you now? Has time been a healer for you? It sounds like you did exactly the right thing for Cleo and very selflessly put her first. Do you get to have updates from her new owners? I hope she and you are happy now.x
Thank you for writing this. We are going through this exact situation and reading it has made me a little less guilty. I knew it was going to be hard but didn’t think I would cry this much. Thank you for reminding me that we are doing the right thing.
Oh Tina I’m so very sorry you’re facing this too. I was honestly heartbroken, my face was swollen from crying for days but I can hand on heart say that it was the right decision and I know it was better for the kids and the dog. My son doesn’t miss him at all which shows me that he was so scared of him as he still mourns our dog who passed away before we got Barney. No one does this without a very good reason and so take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. You’re not a bad person. Sending you an enormous hug.xx
Literally in a puddle of tears and snot right now as we prepare to give our dog (of 5 years) to his new owners in a few hours. I’m so anxious and stressed in wondering if he will be ok and if they will love him as much! He is in our family, but he is my dog. The guilt and sadness are overwhelming, but I know this is what I have to do for my kiddos. Reading posts like this make it a little easier to breathe, knowing I’m not alone, so thank you!
Oh Wren, I’m so very sorry. How did it go? You heart will feel completely mushed and bruised and broken, I cried for days, but you have to remember that you made this decision out of love for your children AND your dog. It’s not easy to accept but you have done the right thing and he will be happy because you have put great care into doing it properly. Sending you a huge big hug, do message me whenever you need. Louise x
I just came across your story and I’m going through the exact same thing. We’ve had our boy Blue since be was six weeks old and he will be 6 this year. Since becoming a mother of twins and now pregnant again, my anxiety has gone through the roof and I can just about take care of myself and my kids and he’s been left out. I started seeing a change in him due to frustration of not getting his needs met and I feel so so guilty. I decided to rehome him as I felt that would be the best thing for him. To have a home where he was free to run around and go on lots of lovely walks. He has the perfect foster lined up for him who recently lost their dog in April so its looking like they may even eventually adopt him, if all goes well. He goes this Sunday and I am heartbroken. I feel like I failed to see him through to the end. I have so much guilt for breaking that promise I made to him when I first bought him home. But he just seems so miserable and I cant stand to see him like this even though I will miss him with all my heart. We tried to rehome him with friends so we could still see him but it didn’t work out. After Sunday we will never see him again, never cuddle him again, or give him treats and moan at him for eating tissue!!!!! But I know he’ll be so much more happier and that gives me some relief.
We are going through exactly the same thing. We have had our dog for two years, worked with a behaviourist and done all the training but it is at the point where the rest of the family feel too nervous with her so that creates a vicious cycle of anxiety with our dog so I am really sad to say I have just sent the email to the charity we got her from. She sounds similar in that she is so loving and takes on training really well when she is relaxed. I have put so much time, effort and love into getting her better but I now understand that if she is a mismatch with our busy and slightly chaotic household she will never feel 100% secure. I want to keep her (and had so many hopes for things to do with her) but the rest of the family does not so I have to do the right thing by them and by her.
She isn’t gone yet so the emotions haven’t hit but I’m not looking forward to saying goodbye.